When a family starts fostering, it can be a big change for everyone – including the children who already live at home. But what is it really like for birth children to welcome foster children into their family?
We spoke to foster carers Hannah and Richard about how they prepared their own children for fostering, the challenges they’ve experienced and the many ways they’ve seen their children grow throughout their fostering journey.
How did you prepare your children before you started fostering?
Our children were around five and seven when we started thinking about fostering. We had previously had lodgers living with us, including students and young professionals, and our children had always enjoyed having extra people around. In fact, they were the ones who started saying, “I wonder if we could have a child living with us?” So fostering felt like a natural extension of something they were already comfortable with.
We talked about fostering as a family for a long time before we actually started. It was around a year and a half from first thinking about it to welcoming our first foster child, partly because of the assessment process and COVID, but also because we wanted to make sure the timing was right.
That gave us lots of opportunities to talk about what fostering might be like. We talked about sharing their home and their parents, what it might be like for another child to have their own bedroom in our house, and what they thought would be good to have in that room.
It meant fostering wasn't something that was suddenly sprung on them. They had time to process the idea and feel involved in preparing for it.
How did your children react when you started fostering?
We started with some short break fostering, and our children absolutely loved it. It felt a bit like having extra friends come to stay. Because the arrangements were short, the novelty didn't really wear off, and we often had children who were a similar age to them.
They remember those early experiences really fondly. They would get involved in everyday things, like encouraging a child to try a new food. We had one particularly memorable “green bean episode” where a child insisted he didn't like green beans. One of our children told him, “I don't like them either, but I just eat them because you can do it!” He ended up loving them, and we had green beans every day for the rest of his stay!
Our first longer-term arrangement was a little boy who stayed with us for two and a half years. He arrived with very little notice during COVID, and all we knew was that he liked Paw Patrol. Our youngest, who was about six at the time, ran around the house finding all the Paw Patrol toys so he would have things he liked to play with when he arrived.
The children then spent lots of time playing with him and teaching him new games. As he grew up with us, we could see him developing the same interests and enjoying many of the same things as our children. Even though he has since been adopted and is older, they still have so many shared memories and activities that they enjoy together. That's really special to see.
What have your children gained from fostering?
I think fostering has made our children much more compassionate and understanding. They've learned that not every family looks the same, because they've seen lots of different families and different experiences.
They've also learned that the world isn't always a safe place, but that doesn't have to be a destructive thing to learn. Instead, I think it has given them a sense that we can be part of making the world a better place and doing the right thing for other people.
They've developed some really helpful and healthy characteristics that I'm not sure they would have gained without the experience of being fostering siblings.
How have you supported your children during the challenges?
There have definitely been challenges. The biggest one has probably been experiencing dysregulated behaviour in the home. Our children hadn't really experienced that before, or if they had, it had been at school where there were adults around to manage the situation. When it happened at home, it could be disruptive for them.
We always made sure they were safe, and sometimes they had to live life a little differently while we dealt with what was happening. They might go into our bedroom and play games while things settled down.
We've also always talked to our children after arrangements ended and asked whether they wanted to continue fostering or whether they wanted to stop. Their feelings matter, and we want them to have a voice in the decision.
Some endings have been really painful for them. They've loved the children who have lived with us, so when they move on, it can feel like losing a sibling or a friend. But we've seen that they can experience that sadness without it breaking them.
What are you most proud of when you see your children alongside the children you foster?
I'm most proud of the way our children are willing to make space for other people. They're not perfect – they still have their own wants and needs – but they're willing to share their parents, their home and their lives with other children. That's a big thing to ask of a child.
I think children are often more resilient than we give them credit for. They have the capacity to expand their hearts, to love other children and to share their parents and their home.
Our children have so many memories from fostering. There have been highs and lows, just as there are in any childhood, but I think many of their happiest memories will be connected to the children who have come through our home.
They still ask questions about children who have moved on and remember them with so much love. They've taken ownership of those stories too. They loved those children, and that's why some endings have been painful.
One of the moments that has stayed with me happened after a particularly difficult arrangement ending. I was angry and wasn't sure whether we should foster again. Our youngest was about 10 at the time and simply asked me, “Why wouldn't we do it again when there are children who don't have homes? Why wouldn't we do it again when there are children who need safe places to be and we can be a safe place?”
I realised I just needed the wisdom of a 10-year-old to pull me out of my grump!
It reminded me why we foster. We can provide a safe place for children who need one, and that can mean so much to them.
What would you say to a parent who is considering fostering, but is worried about the impact on their children?
I'd say that our children are more resilient than we sometimes think they are. They have the capacity to love other children and to share their parents far more than we might expect.
Of course, fostering isn't right for every family, and it's important to consider your own children's needs and circumstances. But I think it's something for everyone to consider if it might be right for them.
Fostering can also look lots of different ways. If you're not sure whether it's right for your family, I'd recommend considering respite fostering. It can give you a chance to experience fostering and see how it feels for your whole family.
For us, fostering has brought challenges, but it has also brought so much joy. Our children have gained siblings, friends, memories and a greater understanding of other people's lives. And we've seen just how much a safe, loving family can mean to a child.
