becoming a foster carer https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/ en The waiting game https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/lucy-stevens/waiting-game <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--title--blog.html.twig x field--node--title.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--title.html.twig * field--string.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--title.html.twig' --> <span>The waiting game </span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--title.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--uid--blog.html.twig x field--node--uid.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--uid.html.twig * field--entity-reference.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--uid.html.twig' --> <span> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'username' --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/user/templates/username.html.twig' --> <span lang="" typeof="schema:Person" property="schema:name" datatype="">Lucy Stevens</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/user/templates/username.html.twig' --> </span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--uid.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--created--blog.html.twig x field--node--created.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--created.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--created.html.twig' --> <span>Thu, 06/30/2016 - 12:21</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--created.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'links__node' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * links--node.html.twig x links.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/custom/tfnetwork/templates/system/links.html.twig' --> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/custom/tfnetwork/templates/system/links.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-introduction--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-introduction.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-introduction.html.twig * field--text-long.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-field-introduction field--type-text-long field--label-hidden field--item">It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. For those of you who were following my family’s journey into foster care, you’ll know that we were approved as foster carers at the end of April this year, and I’ve been indulging in a little radio silence since then.</div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--body--blog.html.twig * field--node--body.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--body.html.twig * field--text-with-summary.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-body field--type-text-with-summary field--label-hidden field--item"><p>The truth is that on the surface not much has changed; we are still awaiting a child. On the other hand, as I hardly need to point out, so much around us has changed beyond recognition, which has brought every one of our motivations into sharp relief. We all know that there is a desperate need for foster carers and one might be forgiven for assuming that as soon as you’re approved you’d up to your eyeballs in requests to take children. But the reality is that placing children takes careful matching, something that is made more complex when you have young children at home as we do.</p> <h4>Worth its wait in gold</h4> <p>I believe that waiting is a very constructive place to be in. Of course, it’s completely counter-cultural; we’re taught that we don’t need to wait, that everything is here and now for the taking. When it comes to fostering, we have felt desperate to provide a home for the child we know is coming and yet in the waiting, we are being prepared. In some ways, it would be easy to rescue the next child that comes along but it wouldn’t necessarily be right.</p> <p>There are lots of things to consider when placing a child: are we the right family for them? Are they the right child for us? Can they be placed alongside younger children? Is the location right? Do we have everything possible to make this placement stable for the child? Do we have the right skillset or personalities for the child in question? We’ve yet to have welcomed a child for whom we could say yes to all of the above. But that’s ok.</p> <p>In the waiting, we have discovered things about ourselves. We have come to accept what our limitations are, we better understand our vulnerabilities, we know that we can’t, sadly, help everyone. We’ve had interesting family discussions about what fostering is going to look like, how we might have to modify our behaviour and what we might have to sacrifice. We’ve been able to regroup as a family and prepare ourselves for what we know is coming. We feel more robust for the waiting. I can’t speak for my husband Jim, and my boys, but I have a huge sense of peace about the whole thing.</p> <p>As a family, we have seen the events of recent weeks and realised that we need to reach out more than ever, to be the difference that we want to see in the world, and we hope to encourage others who are also waiting. We are resolute - both in the doing and in the not-yet-doing. In the waiting, we have also learned some practical lessons.</p> <p>A few weeks ago, we had a referral for a 15-year-old Afghani boy. The local authority received our Form F (our fostering credentials) and was keen to place him with us. ‘We’re just waiting for the age assessment,’ the placements officer said. Some time later, we got a message that he was not Afghani after all but Iraqi. A further phone call, an hour later, revealed that the age assessment deemed the child to be above the age for foster care.</p> <h4>Practice drill</h4> <p>On one hand this illustrates the shocking lack of even the most basic information you sometimes receive on unaccompanied asylum seeking children. His nationality and age seemed to be something fluid. The cynic in me felt for this child, who was not a child, who must surely be a child. I know from my research and through my work with these children that the age assessment process is not without its flaws and might not be without its ulterior motives. I have to confess to shedding a tear for this lad.</p> <p>What I also learned was how quickly you can get everything together when you think a child might be with you that very night! And so, unwittingly, we were thrown into a practice drill that would build our confidence in our practical ability even if we are still in the dark as to our fostering capability.</p> <p>The call came on one of our busiest evenings – the boys both had activities going on, Jim was out at work and the house was a tip (no huge change there). Immediately I phoned Jim who was, as ever, the voice of calm. He asked if I needed him to come home. It felt important though to just take it in our stride, so I reassured him that I’d call if he was needed. I then cleaned the house and put fresh bedding on the spare bed. I spoke to the boys and told them what might be happening. I watched as they grabbed a duster and a dustpan and brush and started excitedly helping to clean (hitherto unheard of). They chattered about who this mystery boy might be and how he would feel on arriving here. I learnt something from my children that night. They accepted everything at face value, and were willing to make it work. This was just who we were now.</p> <p>I can’t pretend we weren’t all disappointed when we learned he wasn’t coming. We were, the boys especially. But we’d been given a new sense of wanting to do this. And of being able to rely on one another to make it happen – however mercurial this faceless child might be.</p> <p>When I asked my boys to describe what it feels like to wait for a child, Ben said, ‘tantalising.’ It is the expectation of something wonderful in that word that sums it up so perfectly. And so, with renewed determination, we wait, hopeful there will be gold at the end of it all.</p> </div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-blog-tags--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-blog-tags.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-blog-tags.html.twig * field--entity-reference.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-field-blog-tags field--type-entity-reference field--label-hidden field--items"> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1720" hreflang="en">assessment</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1734" hreflang="en">approval</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1679" hreflang="en">becoming a foster carer</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1674" hreflang="en">Foster carer recruitment</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1714" hreflang="en">panel</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1917" hreflang="en">Lucy Stevens</a></div> </div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <drupal-render-placeholder callback="flag.link_builder:build" arguments="0=node&amp;1=10343&amp;2=favourite_content" token="KoXLj91ac-umGpZqUk2nfbrVydrqJZwKXx4K1StEAvA"></drupal-render-placeholder> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-comment--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-comment.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-comment.html.twig x field--comment.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/comment/templates/field--comment.html.twig' --> <section> <h2>Add new comment</h2> <drupal-render-placeholder callback="comment.lazy_builders:renderForm" arguments="0=node&amp;1=10343&amp;2=field_comment&amp;3=comment" token="FQR4mrXtvNtbDVxZdi-y9MeneCiNqYTxaIzLG2c0Ld4"></drupal-render-placeholder> </section> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/comment/templates/field--comment.html.twig' --> Thu, 30 Jun 2016 12:21:49 +0000 Lucy Stevens 10343 at https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/lucy-stevens/waiting-game#comments Safer Caring https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/lucy-stevens/safer-caring <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--title--blog.html.twig x field--node--title.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--title.html.twig * field--string.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--title.html.twig' --> <span>Safer Caring</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--title.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--uid--blog.html.twig x field--node--uid.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--uid.html.twig * field--entity-reference.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--uid.html.twig' --> <span> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'username' --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/user/templates/username.html.twig' --> <span lang="" typeof="schema:Person" property="schema:name" datatype="">Lucy Stevens</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/user/templates/username.html.twig' --> </span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--uid.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--created--blog.html.twig x field--node--created.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--created.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--created.html.twig' --> <span>Mon, 02/22/2016 - 13:20</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--created.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'links__node' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * links--node.html.twig x links.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/custom/tfnetwork/templates/system/links.html.twig' --> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/custom/tfnetwork/templates/system/links.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-introduction--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-introduction.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-introduction.html.twig * field--text-long.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-field-introduction field--type-text-long field--label-hidden field--item">Safer caring is the means by which foster carers can ensure the safety and well-being of children and young people. Because the business of foster caring happens in the home of the carer, safer caring also aims to protect the well being of carers and their families. It covers a broad range of themes, such as forming healthy attachments, dealing with difficult behaviour appropriately, ensuring the protection of each member of the household and minimising the risk of allegations made against carers.</div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--body--blog.html.twig * field--node--body.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--body.html.twig * field--text-with-summary.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-body field--type-text-with-summary field--label-hidden field--item"><p>‘But what does that mean in practise?’ Jim and I ask our assessor, Stef.</p> <p>The Safer Caring guidance is provided by The Fostering Network but each agency will have their own plan template. The plan we’re being asked to think about and complete is divided into 18 subject headings. Under each heading you state what you will do to minimise the risk of harm for the child, yourselves as carers and your family.</p> <h4>A rose by any other name?</h4> <p>‘For instance,’ says Stef. ‘Under the section “Names” you will want to be clear about all the names you use for each other. Do any of you have nicknames, for example? This helps a child to make sense of who everyone is and who you’re referring to. Also, you need to ensure that you’re using the right name for the child who comes into your family.’</p> <p>This may sound like a bizarrely obvious thing to say but you’d be surprised. In the case of asylum seeking children, quite often names are misspelt, mispronounced or misinterpreted. In my work at Eastern Fostering Services (EFS), I’ve seen the same child be referred to using three differently spelt names. Sometimes also the child is known by their middle name and not their first name. The obvious is not always obvious.</p> <p>Benedict (usually known as Ben) chooses this moment to rush into the room and make an announcement.</p> <p>‘Mu-um Theo just called me a Dumbass!’</p> <p>I kid you not. I sometimes wonder whether this isn’t just some big conspiracy the kids have cooked up, a bit like the time a few years ago when I’d told them both off for something. Half an hour later I’d found them working beautifully together on a new “project”. This collaboration turned out to involve a surprising amount of tripwire and one common enemy: me.</p> <p>‘Dumbass probably won’t be one of the recognised names on our safer carer policy.’ I add, settling Benedict/Ben&nbsp;back to his homework.</p> <p>Back to the safer caring plan.</p> <h4>Time for a cover up</h4> <p>‘You’ll also need to think about bedrooms. What are the rules about entering other people’s bedrooms? What about using the bathroom? Is the door going to be closed? Do you emerge fully dressed etc. You’ll need to think about masturbation…’</p> <p>I see Jim visibly relax when he realises Stef is referring to the masturbatory habits of the young person and not him. Although Stef makes the point that our privacy and intimacy needs to be taken into consideration in the plan. Who said romance is dead?</p> <p>We discuss the importance of showing affection to children but that this affection must be consensual and appropriate. We talk about leaving some doors open and making sure other doors are closed. We talk about the importance of cultivating an open and honest environment.</p> <p>It is at this point that the second half of “Plan: Undermine The Parents” is implemented, this time by Theo. He enters the room in his pyjamas, sits himself down on the sofa and nods regally at us. For a moment, I am so struck by his majestic poise that I fail to notice the pair of pants on his head.</p> <p>Little does he know that I could actually hug him right now for not coming in stark naked. I am not going to tell him this though. That would be suicide. Instead Theodore/Theo/Captain Underpants is dispatched with a book and the conversation continues.</p> <p>My view is that the plan is common sense. It makes sense that you can limit the possibility of an allegation being made against you by a child if you can ensure that interaction happens out in the open rather than behind closed doors. It makes sense that you would be intentional about who is allowed in whose bedroom. It also makes sense that you would be intentional about noticing, hearing and understanding the child or young person and the things that occupy them. Being able to have conversations about sex, sexuality, drugs, self harm, bullying, relationships, faith, privacy, family is important because it potentially affords the carer the ability to safeguard more effectively. Equally, setting clear family rules and practical boundaries helps everybody understand what is expected and with that comes confidence for every member of the household.</p> <p>And none of this is lost on Jim/Jimbo/James I discover later that evening as he summarises things with the sort of smugness that surrounds someone who has grasped something both complex and critical.</p> <p>‘So basically, I need to get a dressing gown?’</p> <p>And I need to have a word with two small fiends who shall remain nameless…</p> </div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-blog-tags--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-blog-tags.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-blog-tags.html.twig * field--entity-reference.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-field-blog-tags field--type-entity-reference field--label-hidden field--items"> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1679" hreflang="en">becoming a foster carer</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1678" hreflang="en">advice</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/249" hreflang="en">community</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1917" hreflang="en">Lucy Stevens</a></div> </div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <drupal-render-placeholder callback="flag.link_builder:build" arguments="0=node&amp;1=10124&amp;2=favourite_content" token="7apANvpovE6AEs0TU_er99UwBEDDlwvwQLG8gXgfwwM"></drupal-render-placeholder> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-comment--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-comment.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-comment.html.twig x field--comment.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/comment/templates/field--comment.html.twig' --> <section> <h2>Add new comment</h2> <drupal-render-placeholder callback="comment.lazy_builders:renderForm" arguments="0=node&amp;1=10124&amp;2=field_comment&amp;3=comment" token="IBKFq3pabHJwuIEI1GGnYvv0iXTnCxeaW4meUPy1msY"></drupal-render-placeholder> </section> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/comment/templates/field--comment.html.twig' --> Mon, 22 Feb 2016 13:20:51 +0000 Lucy Stevens 10124 at https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/lucy-stevens/safer-caring#comments It’s all child’s play https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/lucy-stevens/its-all-childs-play <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--title--blog.html.twig x field--node--title.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--title.html.twig * field--string.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--title.html.twig' --> <span>It’s all child’s play</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--title.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--uid--blog.html.twig x field--node--uid.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--uid.html.twig * field--entity-reference.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--uid.html.twig' --> <span> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'username' --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/user/templates/username.html.twig' --> <span lang="" typeof="schema:Person" property="schema:name" datatype="">Lucy Stevens</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/user/templates/username.html.twig' --> </span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--uid.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--created--blog.html.twig x field--node--created.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--created.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--created.html.twig' --> <span>Wed, 02/03/2016 - 14:27</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--created.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'links__node' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * links--node.html.twig x links.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/custom/tfnetwork/templates/system/links.html.twig' --> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/custom/tfnetwork/templates/system/links.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-introduction--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-introduction.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-introduction.html.twig * field--text-long.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-field-introduction field--type-text-long field--label-hidden field--item">I get back from Calais absurdly happy to see my family and determined to see this fostering thing through to its conclusion, to its beginning.</div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--body--blog.html.twig * field--node--body.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--body.html.twig * field--text-with-summary.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-body field--type-text-with-summary field--label-hidden field--item"><p>It’s just as well because we are straight back into things. It starts with the small matter of a trip to the doctor for our medical assessments. Eastern Fostering Service (the fostering agency) provided us with the forms which we filled in and dropped to the surgery. An appointment was given and hey presto, I find myself slightly sleep deprived, weeing into a pot and answering the usual bland health questions. The long and short of it is that I am fit and healthy and so, it turns out, is my husband Jim. It’s all very routine. Right up to the point, that is, where the doctor seems to make some clandestine analysis as to the completeness of my mental faculties. Evidently he finds my faculties lacking.</p> <p>‘Your children are still quite young. Deep breath. It’s a great thing to do of course. Breathe out. Very challenging though. Another one. And your children are young still aren’t they?’</p> <p>I’m pretty certain what he means is: ‘Your kids haven’t even hit puberty; you think you’ve got this parenting thing sufficiently licked to take on another child. You’re deluded. You know nothing. You’re in for a shock.’</p> <p>I wonder momentarily if he’d be saying the same thing if I was pregnant with a third child, though I recognise this is not a particularly helpful path to go down at present.</p> <p>The fact is that I’ve detected this undertone in a few of the responses to the news that we’re hoping to foster. People I’ve known for a long time have surprised me. Some have asked me, in that same constipated voice, ‘oh and what do your boys think?’ As if I’ve somehow bulldozed them with fostering, as if I am doing something cruel. As if fostering were a chastisement and not an opportunity for growth.</p> <p>So I am relieved when our assessor arrives a day later and announces that this week she’ll be talking to the children. Without us.</p> <h4><strong>The kids are alright</strong></h4> <p>The children spend a nice long time with the assessor and during that time (we later find out) the boys demonstrate an impressive grasp of what fostering involves, a philosophical approach as to what we can all expect, ‘there’s a lot we won’t know until we do it’ and a clear affection for their bulldozing parents. It also transpires that Ben and Theo love and irritate each other as much as they do Jim and I. All normal then.</p> <p><img alt="" src="/sites/default/files/uploads/emoticons_blog_8_fn.png" style="height:366px; width:559px" /></p> <p>None of this means that we have the parent thing licked. Of course we don’t. We get things wrong. We lose our tempers. We look back and think we could have done that better<em>. </em>In short, we’re human.</p> <p>That said, we have involved our children in every step of the process. We have given them the freedom and the space to raise their concerns. We have explained why we’d like to do this and we have been clear that at any point we will stop if the boys are unhappy. We are both aware that children like to please their parents and my boys are no different. They could just be trying to keep us happy. After all, they know how much this means. But that’s a hard game to play for long and we’ll be watching them closely. And so will our assessor. For the moment she is happy.</p> <p>Jim and I are next.</p> <h4><strong>Mr and Mrs</strong></h4> <p>This week we’re looking at our relationship. Our history. Our marriage. What we think of each other. What works. What we need to work at.</p> <p>Jim looks terrified. His look says:&nbsp;'Is this marriage counselling?'<em> </em>He eyes the front door with something like longing.</p> <p>I guess this<strong> </strong>is a little like marriage counselling. Once the assessor has spoken to us separately, we all get together and she shares what we’ve both said. As a couple, how often do you sit back and consider the things you like about each other, the tough times you’ve got through, the reasons you work together? How often do you reflect at all? The answer is of course that you don’t. You just get on with things. But today as we laugh about the things we’ve said about the other, there is reflection. There is an acknowledgment that whilst as humans we are imperfect, our marriage is imperfect, we are a good team. And what’s more we like each other, as long as Jim isn’t hanging out the washing and as long as I’m not offering my advice on how said washing could be hung out in a way more conducive to drying. The assessor thinks it’s funny that we have both mentioned the washing as being a source of acute irritation. She thinks it’s funny that Jim cried at Shrek. That he regularly leaves Christmas presents on trains. She even laughs that my tendency towards control freakery is clearly laughed off and undermined at every turn by the three boys of the house. She is determined that all of this will go into our assessment form. The form F.</p> <p>I start to wonder what that F really stands for.&nbsp;</p> </div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-blog-tags--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-blog-tags.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-blog-tags.html.twig * field--entity-reference.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-field-blog-tags field--type-entity-reference field--label-hidden field--items"> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/793" hreflang="en">recruitment</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1679" hreflang="en">becoming a foster carer</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1678" hreflang="en">advice</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/249" hreflang="en">community</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1917" hreflang="en">Lucy Stevens</a></div> </div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <drupal-render-placeholder callback="flag.link_builder:build" arguments="0=node&amp;1=10097&amp;2=favourite_content" token="jZEpg8BPz_QMVA--lwz7agnWyXteWz-zK3inb6sYljs"></drupal-render-placeholder> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-comment--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-comment.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-comment.html.twig x field--comment.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/comment/templates/field--comment.html.twig' --> <section> <h2>Add new comment</h2> <drupal-render-placeholder callback="comment.lazy_builders:renderForm" arguments="0=node&amp;1=10097&amp;2=field_comment&amp;3=comment" token="lqpAKHT7kSZbIz13LlSHgpGGLMyHGugMfztX55-03js"></drupal-render-placeholder> </section> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/comment/templates/field--comment.html.twig' --> Wed, 03 Feb 2016 14:27:02 +0000 Lucy Stevens 10097 at https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/lucy-stevens/its-all-childs-play#comments The wonder years https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/lucy-stevens/wonder-years <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--title--blog.html.twig x field--node--title.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--title.html.twig * field--string.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--title.html.twig' --> <span>The wonder years</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--title.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--uid--blog.html.twig x field--node--uid.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--uid.html.twig * field--entity-reference.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--uid.html.twig' --> <span> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'username' --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/user/templates/username.html.twig' --> <span lang="" typeof="schema:Person" property="schema:name" datatype="">Lucy Stevens</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/user/templates/username.html.twig' --> </span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--uid.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--created--blog.html.twig x field--node--created.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--created.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--created.html.twig' --> <span>Tue, 01/05/2016 - 11:33</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--created.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'links__node' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * links--node.html.twig x links.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/custom/tfnetwork/templates/system/links.html.twig' --> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/custom/tfnetwork/templates/system/links.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-introduction--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-introduction.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-introduction.html.twig * field--text-long.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-field-introduction field--type-text-long field--label-hidden field--item">The assessment is underway and we’re starting from the beginning, or as the form F calls it, the Early Years. Our assessor has sent us a list of questions as homework in preparation for her next visit this weekend.</div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--body--blog.html.twig * field--node--body.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--body.html.twig * field--text-with-summary.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-body field--type-text-with-summary field--label-hidden field--item"><p>As I’ve mentioned in earlier blogs&nbsp;I work for Eastern Fostering Services but I am also a ghost-writer. Specifically, I write people’s autobiographies for them. I ask my clients all manner of questions about their childhood, their parents, their experiences; their journey. I am rarely more comfortable than when I’m listening to people talking about themselves, and generally I don’t enjoy talking about myself to the same degree.</p> <p>So for me this is a little weird.</p> <p>The worm and the tables have both performed their rather clichéd manoeuvres. The shoe is well and truly on the other foot. And guess what,&nbsp;it seems to fit. I discover that I quite enjoy dissecting my childhood. I find that it’s sobering to see myself, however fleetingly, as a product of my parents. In examining your childhood, you examine how you were parented. In examining how you were parented, the hard-earned successes and the inevitable struggles are brought into relief. This, in turn, allows you to quietly muse on your own successes and to shine a light on the things that you struggle with.</p> <p>I’m neither a believer in nor a fan of detoxes but this feels like a detox for the soul and one that might actually be constructive. I have a sudden picture of myself, breathless at the side of a winding road, hands on hips, looking back at the terrain I’ve covered before turning towards my destination as it unfolds, little by little, before me.</p> <p>And it’s while contemplating this figurative journey that I am reminded of another journey. Not my own. But one that is a small part of my narrative nonetheless…</p> <h4>Out of Africa</h4> <p>I’ve developed a particular interest in journeys over the last couple of years. From life’s ever changing journey, in general, to more poignant journeys in the personal realm. I have watched as the media has spewed out images of journeys, most borne of desperation, all shocking in their nakedness. I have met and worked with children who have undergone journeys that would make your hair stand on end. I’m easily able to see how any one of us could, in the blink of an eye, find ourselves on a desperate journey. In fact it’s because of a journey my Nan made almost 70 years ago that I have been able to empathise with men, women and children journeying to flee war, poverty or persecution. It’s partly because of her journey that I have been so moved by their journeys.</p> <p>When my mum was three years old, my Nan took her and her brother and left their home in Zimbabwe. My Nan was married to my mum’s father who was a game warden. It’s not my story to tell so I won’t go into details, but suffice to say things in Zimbabwe were bad enough to convince a young mother to travel thousands of miles, under a cloak of secrecy, back to the UK. Fortunately for Nan, she had parents who loved her and who agreed to take her and the children in. She must have been incredibly brave, bearing as she did not just a demanding journey from Africa to Northumberland with two children in tow, but equally the judgemental stares and concealed whispers of those who frowned upon such a refugee: two kids and not a husband in sight.</p> <p>Well, times have changed and my Nan’s story is different to many of those who are staking their all on desperate journeys in today’s world. But one thing is clear; a journey is proved worthwhile in its end destination. For my Nan it was the open arms of the parental home. For many unaccompanied asylum seeking children it’s a foster family. I hope one day that we, as a family, can prove the worth of a journey conceived in desperation, in secrecy, out of hope for something better.</p> <h4>Back to basics</h4> <p>But first we have to go through the assessment and the small matter of getting Jim to answer questions about his early life. If I’m sold on detox for the soul, Jim is emphatically keen on constipation. Encouraging him to give answers that exceed one syllable is going to be interesting. Like me, Jim had a happy childhood but he is uncomplicated in his approach to it: ‘I always knew I was loved and I’ve never had to think about my childhood in any greater depth.’</p> <p>I suddenly feel very grateful to my Nan and very sorry for our assessor.</p> </div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-blog-tags--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-blog-tags.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-blog-tags.html.twig * field--entity-reference.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-field-blog-tags field--type-entity-reference field--label-hidden field--items"> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/793" hreflang="en">recruitment</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1679" hreflang="en">becoming a foster carer</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1678" hreflang="en">advice</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/249" hreflang="en">community</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1917" hreflang="en">Lucy Stevens</a></div> </div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <drupal-render-placeholder callback="flag.link_builder:build" arguments="0=node&amp;1=8830&amp;2=favourite_content" token="3engjhHDP10fyq3y2N_pkB1vwk8i8DRsHGll4T1FbLg"></drupal-render-placeholder> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-comment--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-comment.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-comment.html.twig x field--comment.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/comment/templates/field--comment.html.twig' --> <section> <h2>Add new comment</h2> <drupal-render-placeholder callback="comment.lazy_builders:renderForm" arguments="0=node&amp;1=8830&amp;2=field_comment&amp;3=comment" token="sDiTxkx_DccBf-GLSDv8RFBbX7SLt9Xy5sCZxbbxfaA"></drupal-render-placeholder> </section> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/comment/templates/field--comment.html.twig' --> Tue, 05 Jan 2016 11:33:27 +0000 Lucy Stevens 8830 at https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/lucy-stevens/wonder-years#comments An assessor calls… https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/lucy-stevens/assessor-calls <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--title--blog.html.twig x field--node--title.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--title.html.twig * field--string.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--title.html.twig' --> <span>An assessor calls…</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--title.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--uid--blog.html.twig x field--node--uid.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--uid.html.twig * field--entity-reference.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--uid.html.twig' --> <span> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'username' --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/user/templates/username.html.twig' --> <span lang="" typeof="schema:Person" property="schema:name" datatype="">Lucy Stevens</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/user/templates/username.html.twig' --> </span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--uid.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--created--blog.html.twig x field--node--created.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--created.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--created.html.twig' --> <span>Thu, 12/10/2015 - 12:13</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--created.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'links__node' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * links--node.html.twig x links.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/custom/tfnetwork/templates/system/links.html.twig' --> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/custom/tfnetwork/templates/system/links.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-introduction--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-introduction.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-introduction.html.twig * field--text-long.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-field-introduction field--type-text-long field--label-hidden field--item">It’s Saturday morning and the house is now (reasonably) tidy. This is unusual for any day of the week but particularly for a Saturday. Today, however, is no ordinary Saturday – today is the day our assessor is coming.</div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--body--blog.html.twig * field--node--body.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--body.html.twig * field--text-with-summary.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-body field--type-text-with-summary field--label-hidden field--item"><p>The <a href="https://www.fostering.net/all-about-fostering/providers/the-skills-to-foster/assessment#.Vm6OariLTcs">assessment form</a>&nbsp;is a document compiled by an assessor (who is usually also a social worker) which presents you as foster carers to the approval panel. Once approved, the document is also used to present you to the local authority when you’re being put forward as a potential carer for a child. It highlights your motivations, your family dynamics, your strengths and your weaknesses. Our assessor will visit us approximately eight times to gather all the information she needs to present us accurately and will be asking us many in-depth questions about our lives, loves and limitations.</p> <p>She starts straight off by asking us about our motivations for fostering: Why? Why now? What do you hope to offer? What do you expect the impact to be?</p> <p>I begin by explaining what has happened to bring us to this point. I explain that I have worked at Eastern Fostering Services, an independent agency, for a while and that I have wanted to do more. I explain that as a couple, our faith calls us to feed the hungry and clothe the poor, to provide a refuge to others in stormy times. As we want to foster unaccompanied, asylum seeking children, I explain how Jim and I have been moved by the plight of adults and children fleeing their countries of origin. How we have lamented the likelihood that this will all be old news soon, once the media has a new focus, how many people will effectively be left to rot. I explain that we had to act. Not just a short term, sticking plaster approach but something long term and tangible – something practical. I also explain that it was only once Jim realised you could be so niche in terms of the profile of child you foster, that the conversation had turned more serious.</p> <h4>Dear Jim…</h4> <p><strong>‘</strong>What held you back from considering fostering before then?’ the assessor asked Jim.</p> <p>I mentioned last time that Jim has a wicked sense of humour. I also told you how we met at work. What I omitted to tell you was that Jim was very nearly fired from this job when he set up his own internal “Dear Deidre” advice column. Staff could email Jim with spoof dilemmas and Jim would advise. Needless to say, the “advice” Jim elected to give was not always received in the spirit he intended. Sometimes his humour is a little out there. The Dear Deidre debacle was one such occasion. Watching Jim prepare to answer this question is a bit like watching the Dear Deidre truck collide with a wheelchair bound pedestrian. I know he’s about to come out with something leftfield and I have no way of stopping it. I can only watch.</p> <p>‘I don’t like other people’s children very much,’ he says.</p> <p>See what I mean?</p> <p>Thankfully, Jim has learnt to read people’s reactions a little over the years since Deidregate and he quickly claws back the ground. Jim comes to life as he talks about what he feels he could offer an asylum seeking child. He talks about how much he enjoys tutoring A Level students and how a lot of this work is around building confidence and equipping young people to solve problems themselves. He talks about his passion for science, for carpentry, for coaching sports. His voice betrays the fact that he likes other people’s children perfectly adequately.</p> <h4>Not the Von Trapps</h4> <p>I explain that as a family, we are far from perfect. There are many things that we could probably do better as parents. But one thing I know we can offer is a stable, structured and consistent base and that this will be provided in the context of a loving family. And that’s the essence of what we have to offer: love. Love is bandied around a lot as if it’s something that’s easy to do. During my time at EFS, I have seen that it is not easy to love every child. I am aware that a child may well come to us who is tricky to love. But I also know that love is not just about the heart. Love is about doing. Love is practical and consistent. It’s about perseverance; about sticking with it. It’s warm and it’s safe. And sometimes it’s a little leftfield.</p> <p>‘You poohead!’ comes a scream from upstairs as I draw my impassioned speech to a close.</p> <p>Ben, aged nine and Theo, aged seven are swiftly given a talking to. But the reality is that they have not been to football this morning and are therefore like tightly wound springs. I don’t particularly want to shout at my children in front of the assessor. Instead, I turn and give her a look that says: This is us. More Von Krapp than Von Trapp. In that look, I try and communicate a little thumbs up emoticon but I resist the urge to actually extend said digits.</p> <p>Thankfully, the assessor is warm and friendly and does not make us feel that we’re under scrutiny (though of course we are). She allows the boys to give her a tour of the house so that she can do her health and safety check. Her check reveals a consistent lack of both. Theo has a cold and his constant old-man-hacking cough follows them around the listed home we live in. The safety glass is conspicuous in its absence. Medicines are not locked away. There is no fire blanket. We’ll need to fix some of these things and a few others but that’s ok. It’s much less painful than I was expecting.</p> <p>A quick check of our birth and marriage certificates, MOT certificate, insurance documents and driving licenses and we’re done.</p> <p>We’re told that we’ll be getting some homework to do over Christmas. We’ll be sent questions which we’ll need to provide written answers to. We’ll then discuss these in more depth at her next visit.</p> <p>This is good. Writing we can do. For one thing, since Deidregate, when Jim writes, he has at his disposal, a very effective editing system.</p> <p>Her name is Lucy.</p> <p>Winking emoticon…</p> </div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-blog-tags--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-blog-tags.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-blog-tags.html.twig * field--entity-reference.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-field-blog-tags field--type-entity-reference field--label-hidden field--items"> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1679" hreflang="en">becoming a foster carer</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/793" hreflang="en">recruitment</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1917" hreflang="en">Lucy Stevens</a></div> </div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <drupal-render-placeholder callback="flag.link_builder:build" arguments="0=node&amp;1=8802&amp;2=favourite_content" token="dxwo5mdvD7vYg6s99k8kowFxMMY8gm2BlBZ3eLo_Zqw"></drupal-render-placeholder> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-comment--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-comment.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-comment.html.twig x field--comment.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/comment/templates/field--comment.html.twig' --> <section> <h2>Add new comment</h2> <drupal-render-placeholder callback="comment.lazy_builders:renderForm" arguments="0=node&amp;1=8802&amp;2=field_comment&amp;3=comment" token="LlC2qflZkNpSuQjyLlBJzOhlYVpBQQh8xjG52mgwiyE"></drupal-render-placeholder> </section> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/comment/templates/field--comment.html.twig' --> Thu, 10 Dec 2015 12:13:48 +0000 Lucy Stevens 8802 at https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/lucy-stevens/assessor-calls#comments Skills to foster https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/lucy-stevens/skills-foster <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--title--blog.html.twig x field--node--title.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--title.html.twig * field--string.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--title.html.twig' --> <span>Skills to foster</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--title.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--uid--blog.html.twig x field--node--uid.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--uid.html.twig * field--entity-reference.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--uid.html.twig' --> <span> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'username' --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/user/templates/username.html.twig' --> <span lang="" typeof="schema:Person" property="schema:name" datatype="">Lucy Stevens</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/user/templates/username.html.twig' --> </span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--uid.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--created--blog.html.twig x field--node--created.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--created.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--created.html.twig' --> <span>Fri, 11/27/2015 - 12:53</span> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/node/templates/field--node--created.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'links__node' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * links--node.html.twig x links.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/custom/tfnetwork/templates/system/links.html.twig' --> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/custom/tfnetwork/templates/system/links.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-introduction--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-introduction.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-introduction.html.twig * field--text-long.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-field-introduction field--type-text-long field--label-hidden field--item">My husband Jim and I first met each other at work. He always struck me as a great person to be around: intelligent, insightful and fair but with a wicked sense of humour. As we headed off together last week to attend the Skills to Foster training, I was taken straight back to the days when we used to work together every day. I was thinking how nice it was to be going to the same place at the same time for once. I was thinking that spending two days during the working week together was a rare boon. I was excited that, as a couple; we would be learning more about something we care deeply about and our responses to it.</div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--body--blog.html.twig * field--node--body.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--body.html.twig * field--text-with-summary.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-body field--type-text-with-summary field--label-hidden field--item"><p>I asked Jim how he was feeling.</p> <p>“I’m looking forward to it,” he said.</p> <p>“I don’t really know what to expect but I’m looking forward to finding out.”</p> <p>Then he cleared his throat, “as long as there isn’t any role play of course…”</p> <p>Produced by The Fostering Network, The Skills to Foster training is an obligatory part of the assessment process with our agency and is used by virtually all fostering services in the UK. It helps to prepare prospective foster carers for some of the challenges they may face and aims to equip them with some of the skills to overcome these challenges.</p> <p>We were a small but well matched group of three couples and over the two days we covered a variety of subject areas: the importance for children of identity, how to provide a secure base for children, positive approaches to challenging behaviour, the importance of the birth family, the effect of multiple moves on a child’s psyche, and approaches to safer caring, to name but a few. The group was respectful, open and warm and while many of the subjects we covered were pretty upsetting, there was plenty of opportunity to laugh too.</p> <h4><strong>The role of a lifetime </strong></h4> <p>The course used a variety of materials and exercises, from videos to informal discussions to, yes; you guessed it, role play. If you were to cross the facial expression of a startled rabbit caught in the headlights of a ten-tonne truck with that of someone who thinks they are at the summit of a mountain only to discover they are just half way up – that’s pretty much how Jim was looking at me when the trainers landed that little bomb shell.</p> <p>But as with everything, (apart from the Cyndi Lauper CD on the car journey there) Jim put his feelings aside, and through the role playing exercises, demonstrated his strong sense of fairness and his non-judgmental approach to other people (well, those who aren’t Cyndi Lauper anyway….). It was interesting to see that each person and each couple brought many different things to the table. Looking at how different Jim and I are, for example, it’s clear we’re both going to bring different things to fostering. Despite our differences, or maybe because of them, Jim and I work pretty well together. I don’t say this smugly; I say this with full recognition that fostering tests every relationship and ours will be no exception. Foster care is complex and emotionally demanding. It involves supporting, and liaising with, a large number of people involved in that child’s life; this can mean some interesting dynamics. We happen to be a couple but I know many carers who foster on their own. Whether you’re a single carer or a couple, old or young, male or female, you need to feel equipped and supported. As foster carers, we’re going to need to use the skills we’ve got and we’re going to have to acquire a whole set of new ones.</p> <h4><strong>A takeaway pint?</strong></h4> <p>On the way home we talked about what we had taken from the training. We felt that the course had a good balance of realism (fostering is hard!) and encouragement (it’s worth doing!). We agreed that it was something that was going to challenge us and we agreed that we would need to invest plenty into our family to ensure our collective wellbeing. Our overriding feeling though was that this is something we still really want to do.</p> <p>“Oh and I could definitely see myself going for a drink with those guys, you know, for moral support?” Jim added, referring to the other men in the group.</p> <p>Actually, I’m with him there. Establishing a good support system is going to be critical for both of us. In my experience, female carers are generally very good at seeking out and finding that support, but, and this is only my experience, male carers can find it harder to do so. At EFS (the fostering agency I work for), we’ve been talking a lot about how to support our male carers in a way that they actually want and need. If Jim is advocating moral support over a pint in the pub, that sounds like as good a place to start as any. Imagine a cat that has got the cream and a child who has inadvertently stumbled on Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. Put the two together. That’s how Jim is looking now.</p> <p><strong>The Fostering Network in Wales has produced two reports for men in foster care: <a href="https://www.fostering.net/all-about-fostering/foster-carers/men-who-foster#.VlhZ-3bhDcs">https://www.fostering.net/all-about-fostering/foster-carers/men-who-foster#.VlhZ-3bhDcs</a></strong></p> </div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-blog-tags--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-blog-tags.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-blog-tags.html.twig * field--entity-reference.html.twig x field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <div class="field field--name-field-blog-tags field--type-entity-reference field--label-hidden field--items"> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1678" hreflang="en">advice</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/249" hreflang="en">community</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1679" hreflang="en">becoming a foster carer</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1682" hreflang="en">skills to foster</a></div> <div class="field--item"><a href="/taxonomy/term/1917" hreflang="en">Lucy Stevens</a></div> </div> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'themes/contrib/bootstrap/templates/field/field.html.twig' --> <drupal-render-placeholder callback="flag.link_builder:build" arguments="0=node&amp;1=8788&amp;2=favourite_content" token="Gv3Va199bTIbN1RY9_K-yfVEOGEuWBDWnuPluMbHpYo"></drupal-render-placeholder> <!-- THEME DEBUG --> <!-- THEME HOOK: 'field' --> <!-- FILE NAME SUGGESTIONS: * field--node--field-comment--blog.html.twig * field--node--field-comment.html.twig * field--node--blog.html.twig * field--field-comment.html.twig x field--comment.html.twig * field.html.twig --> <!-- BEGIN OUTPUT from 'core/modules/comment/templates/field--comment.html.twig' --> <section> <h2>Add new comment</h2> <drupal-render-placeholder callback="comment.lazy_builders:renderForm" arguments="0=node&amp;1=8788&amp;2=field_comment&amp;3=comment" token="UBxn8kKUfiQny5qTQycFPgGHr69pDTeNckENLvYa6g8"></drupal-render-placeholder> </section> <!-- END OUTPUT from 'core/modules/comment/templates/field--comment.html.twig' --> Fri, 27 Nov 2015 12:53:34 +0000 Lucy Stevens 8788 at https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/lucy-stevens/skills-foster#comments